Backwards and Forwards
by simply woven
Summary: "Bailey was crying, her tiny face bright red and her six-pound body tense. Kerry, a woman who had held well over one hundred babies in her life, could only stare at her as a wave of anxiety rushed up and crashed over her. She didn't know what to do for this little, helpless human being." Sequel to 'After Barbados.'


**A/N:** This is the sequel to_ After Barbados_. I didn't want to taint the fluffiness and warmheartedness of that story by ending it with this, which is a bit darker than the original story itself, so I've posted it as its own story. If you don't like this short epilogue, you can just pretend that the 11th chapter of _After Barbados_ was the end of the story and that the family went off into the sunset. If you do like this ending, well, that's great. I'd like to hear what you think either way!

* * *

"You've got it," Kerry encouraged her daughter from a few feet away.

A couple wobbly steps, a small mew of fear, then a soft thud as a diapered bottom hit thick carpet.

"Hey, it's okay sweetie," Kerry said, scooting to where the infant had fallen, "you'll get it next time."

"How much of that do you really think she's understanding?"

Kerry glanced up at her wife, paused, and then looked at their daughter and shrugged. Expertly, she scooped the thirteen month old into her arms. "You understand me, don't you Bailey? Right, because you're a very, very smart little girl. Isn't that right? You're brilliant."

Steely blue eyes gazed up at her, "Mommy?"

Kerry chuckled, nodded, and squeezed the little girl close to her chest. With her face nestled in the toddler's thin, spiky red pony tale, Kerry inhaled the sweet, heavy scent of baby shampoo. For a long time, Kerry's favorite smell was the thick, heady vanilla scent of Sandy's shampoo. Then, when Bailey was born, a new scent had been introduced to her nervous system. For a number of months, it had a horrifying effect on her; something as simple as the scent permeating down the hall during bath time was enough to bring her to tears. Over time, however, the clean, classic scent had become intoxicating and addictive, almost like a drug.

"Want me to take her so you can go get dressed?" Sandy offered, coming deeper into the living room and taking a seat on the edge of the couch in front of her wife and daughter.

"No, but you probably should anyway—it's noon and I'm still in my pajamas." Kerry said, disentangling Bailey from her grasp and sitting her back onto the plush carpet. "Now, don't you miraculously start walking while Mommy's in the shower, okay?"

The little redhead giggled innocently, "'Kay Mommy."

Kerry ran her hand over Bailey's hair. "Okay."

Sandy stood to help her wife up from where she sat on the floor. Once Kerry was upright, Sandy handed her the crutch and kissed her cheek. Kerry giggled in surprise, "What was that for?"

"Because I love you," Sandy shrugged.

Kerry smiled, leaning in toward Sandy and brushing her lips against the Latina's. Before she knew it, she was in her wife's clutches, feeling breathless, and hearing her daughter's high-pitched voice, "Mama play, Mama play!"

Kerry took a deep, gasping breath and leaned her forehead against Sandy's with a grin. "You're such a babe magnet…"

Sandy rolled her eyes then bent down in front of their daughter, "We all know you're her favorite," she said lightheartedly.

Kerry waved a dismissive hand over her head as she went to shower in their bathroom. She didn't think that Bailey was quite old or cognizant enough to deicide who her favorite mother was and, even if she was, Kerry decided that the little girl would probably love them both equally. At least she would now. Kerry wasn't sure how anyone could have loved her a few months ago…

* * *

The feeling hit exactly twenty four hours after Bailey's birth. She was sitting in her hospital bed. She was holding the small infant stiffly in her arms. Bailey was crying, her tiny face bright red and her six-pound body tense. Kerry, a woman who had held well over one hundred babies in her life, could only stare at her as a wave of anxiety rushed up and crashed over her. She didn't know what to do for this little, helpless human being. She was still only staring at the wailing, day-old baby when Sandy came in.

"Ker? What're you doing? What's wrong?"

Kerry's eyes, still wide with anxiety and fear, flickered to Sandy, back to the baby in her arms, and then back to Sandy.

She was frozen.

"Hey, hey it's okay…" Sandy said, coming to the bed and taking the fussy infant from Kerry's catatonic arms.

After a few hours, a couple feedings of supplemental formula, and a few attempts at talking with Sandy, Kerry finally thought she was ready to take her daughter back into her arms. At least, she thought she should be ready. Carefully, Sandy transferred the slumbering infant back into Kerry's grasp and stood by, waiting to see if Kerry was going to choke again.

She did.

This happened every time Kerry tried to hold the newborn on each of the five days they remained in the hospital together. She wanted to hold her daughter, to cuddle her and breastfeed her and comfort her, but something deep inside her was stopping her.

On the fifth and final day of their stay on the maternity ward, just a few hours before they were going to be released, Kerry looked up to find Carl DeRaad knocking at her half-open door. They talked for a little while. It was friendly at first, though Kerry knew that he wasn't there on a personal call. After a while, mostly at Kerry's insistence, Carl decided that she was just having a hard time grappling with the new emotions of motherhood. The baby blues, he called them. The psychiatrist said he was pretty confident they wouldn't persist, but gave Kerry's his card and told her to call him if they did.

Kerry's faith in her colleague and herself faltered only slightly when the deep, overwhelming emptiness continued. Her faith in herself disappeared completely when she didn't call him.

* * *

"Mommy!"

Kerry jumped. Her heart felt like it had skipped a beat.

Sandy cackled.

"We decided we wanted to cuddle for a little while." Sandy said, explaining why she and Bailey were lounging on their king sized bed.

"Mmm…that doesn't sound so bad." Kerry said, "Mind if I join you?"

Sandy patted the thick comforter twice and Kerry, smiling, climbed onto an empty space on the mattress.

"I didn't miss any major milestones, did I?" Kerry asked, resting her head on her left hand while her right rubbed small circles on her toddler's back.

"Not only did she start walking, but she also learned the alphabet, how to use the bathroom, how to cook, and how to operate the dishwasher. Next time you shower, we're going to work on driving stick."

Kerry swatted Sandy's arm.

"Hey!" Sandy exclaimed, grinning, "Not in front of the munchkin."

"Mun'kin!"

"Yeah, Mama doesn't want to get beat up in front of you," Kerry said to Bailey, the playful tone in her voice contradicting the words she said.

This time, it was Sandy's job to do the swatting.

* * *

"Ker? Kerry?" Sandy called out upon entering their apartment. She'd just worked her second twenty-four since coming back from maternity leave and all she wanted to do was hug her wife and cuddle their baby. There was a slight gnawing feeling deep down in her stomach—things in their house and their family hadn't been right since coming home from the hospital, and even though Kerry seemed to be doing better than she was when Bailey was just a newborn, Sandy was still worried.

Sandy ambled through the house. It was seven P.M., which, according to Bailey's slowly forming schedule, suggested that she'd find the baby conked out in her crib. The emptiness of the kitchen and living room supported that notion. Finally, Sandy entered the nursery of their house. She crept silently to the edge of the wooden crib and smiled warmly at the sight. In her humble opinion, her daughter was never anything but adorable, but something about the peaceful softness of her face while she slept was absolutely incredible.

Having finally managed to tear herself away from her slumbering daughter, Sandy went into her and Kerry's bedroom with the expectation of finding her wife either asleep or very, very close to it. She was confused when it was empty.

There was only one place left to check.

"Ker?" Sandy asked as she knocked softly on the door to their en suite bathroom.

No response.

"Kerry?"

The silence that ensued made Sandy's stomach clench.

"Ker, I'm coming in…" she said, turning the knob.

Sandy's eyes scanned the room quickly. At first glance, it appeared empty. After a second, more thorough look, Sandy's eyes found a small form on the floor near the tub, curled into a tight ball.

"Oh, Kerry…" Sandy said, coming to kneel in front of the tiny body. Kerry's head was nestled into her arms and her shoulders were shaking as her body was wracked with silent sobs. Sandy reached out a tentative hand, placing it on her wife's back. Soothingly, she spoke, "Baby, baby come here."

At Sandy's words, Kerry's emotional dam broke and a loud, moaning sob exploded from her body. She collapsed into Sandy's arms, every bone, muscle, and ligament in her body liquefied.

"Oh, sweetie, it's okay. You're okay." Sandy said. She didn't know what was wrong or what to say. She was scared.

Sandy lost track of time as they sat on the bathroom floor. After a long while—long enough for her thighs to fall asleep under Kerry's weight—Kerry's sobbing ceased.

"Hey…" Sandy said carefully, brushing Kerry's hair away from her dampened cheeks so she had an unobstructed view of her face.

"I'm sor-sorry." Kerry said with a hitch in her voice.

Sandy shook her head. "Let's get you to bed, okay? Or do you want to take a shower?"

Kerry looked suddenly panicked. "But Bailey…"

Sandy stopped Kerry's words in their tracks. "I'll feed her if she wakes up," she said firmly, "you need to get some sleep." Carefully, Sandy separated herself from her wife and stood up. She glanced around for a moment, searching the bathroom. Her eyes narrowed with confusion. "Where's your crutch?"

Kerry looked at Sandy with a sense of bewilderment etched across her face. She looked around the bathroom, too. "Uh…I'm—I'm not sure. I'm sorry."

Sandy held out her hand, "It's okay, I'll help you."

Sandy grasped Kerry's elbow and wrist and hauled the older woman off the tiled floor expertly. She didn't miss the grimace that crossed Kerry's face as she straightened to full form but didn't comment on it; she didn't want to make her feel anymore vulnerable than she already was. Slowly, the couple made their way out of the bathroom, into their bedroom, and onto their bed. Already dressed in pajamas, Kerry rested her head heavily on her pillow.

"I'm sor—"

"Go to sleep, Kerry. We can talk tomorrow." Sandy assured her.

Kerry nodded against the pillow, her eyelids falling heavily.

Still sitting on the edge of the bed, Sandy watched her wife slowly fall out of this realm of consciousness and into the next.

* * *

"She's asleep. At last." Kerry sighed, sliding like liquid into the dining room chair.

Sandy turned her head, her hands submerged into the sink of hot, sudsy water. "She's stubborn."

"She gets that from you."

"I think it's a mutual trait."

Kerry yawned, stretching her arms in front of her until her shoulders popped. "How is it possible for a human that tiny to make someone so exhausted?"

The question was rhetorical but Sandy answered anyway, "Because she's completely helpless and completely adorable."

"Right."

"Right." Sandy echoed, pulling the plug from the drain, releasing the mechanical dam that was holding the water in the sink. She dried her hands and stood in front of where Kerry sat. "She's completely worth it though, isn't she?"

Kerry paused for a long moment then nodded, "Yeah, yeah she is."

* * *

"Kerry, you need to talk to someone." Sandy said insistently. Three days had passed since Sandy had found Kerry in the bathroom. Kerry had successfully dodged every attempt of Sandy's to talk about what had happened, but now they were sitting across from each other at the kitchen table. Sandy was holding Bailey in her arms, a bottle of pumped breast milk held to the infant's mouth. The very sight of it made Kerry want to simultaneously cry and scream.

When Kerry didn't respond, she spoke again, "You do, Kerry. You need to talk to someone."

Kerry dropped her gaze.

Sandy dropped her voice, "You can get help. You can talk to someone and they'll help you figure out how to get past this. I love you and I need you. The old you."

Hot, guilty tears sprung to Kerry's eyes. She wiped them away vigorously. As if cued by her mother's flood of emotions, Bailey began to scream. Sandy sighed in frustration and gently rocked the tiny infant in an attempt to comfort her. Over the sobs, she spoke, "I'm going to go feed her and then we'll talk." She said over the pitchy cries.

They didn't talk about it for another five days.

* * *

"Your mom called today," Kerry said.

Sandy arched an eyebrow.

"She and your dad want to take Bailey for a weekend so we can…have some time."

"I swear she likes you more than she likes me, now."

"She loves you. She tolerates me."

"That's why she's talking to you about our love life?"

Kerry shrugged. "She has a point, you know. I mean, we haven't had much time to ourselves over the past few months. And after what happened...I just think it would be good to get away."

Sandy cut her off. "Let's look at our schedules, talk to my mom, and set a date."

Kerry grinned.

* * *

Sandy heard the soft hum of someone talking as she walked down the hall to the living room. Expecting to find the television on, she was surprised to see Kerry standing at the kitchen counter with the phone tucked between her shoulder and ear.

"I just, I just feel like…yeah. Yeah, exactly. And I don't know what to do."

An elongated silence fell upon Kerry and Sandy stood by, waiting.

"I could…I could do that. Tuesday morning? Sure. Okay, thank you, Carl."

She hung up the phone and remained still, staring blankly out the window over the sink. Sandy cleared her throat. Kerry didn't turn.

"Was that—"

"Dr. DeRaad." Kerry said, turning to face her wife. "I have an appointment on Tuesday."

Sandy nodded. "Good. That's good." She didn't want to say too much for fear of saying the wrong thing, That also meant she ran the risk of not saying enough. She sighed inwardly. "Should I come with you, or…"

Kerry shook her head and gave Sandy a soft, appreciative smile. For a second, Sandy saw the Kerry that she used to know. It disappeared quickly, however, and the painful, withdrawn expression slid back onto her face. "I think it'd be better if I went by myself."

Sandy nodded.

"I didn't think it would happen like this." Kerry said at last, her eyes set on the linoleum floor. "I thought she'd get here and I'd be happier than I've ever been. I have you, we have her…everything was going to be perfect. But now…I don't know what to do. I look at her and I want to cry; I look at you and I want to cry; I look at the two of you together and I want to…" She trailed off and her voice broke, "It just wasn't supposed to be like this."

Sandy's head bobbed from side to side. "It won't be for too much longer."

Kerry bit her lower lip. For the first time in weeks, she felt like Sandy's reassurances held a little bit of truth.

It was going to get better. It was.

* * *

Cries sounded from the baby monitor.

Kerry groaned.

Sandy put a yielding hand on her wife's shoulder. "I'll get her."

Kerry shook her head and rolled into a sitting position, "I can do it."

Sandy paused for a moment, thinking, and then relaxed back into her pillow. She knew she could handle it and was so thankful that Kerry finally knew it, too.

Kerry walked into the nursery, her daughter's cries piercing her ears. When she got close enough, she began to coo sweet nothings. She reached into the crib and scooped the little girl into her arms. Craving the body's warmth and yearning to comfort her, Kerry held the baby, her sweet, warm baby close to her chest with one arm and moved over to the rocking chair. With practiced ease, she sat them both down and began to rock. After a while, Bailey's cries tapered off and her eyelids fluttered shut. With the infant's sleep came a heavy peace for them both. As she stared down at her daughter, with nothing but the moonlight illuminating her round face, Kerry knew that everything was going to be okay.


End file.
